Thursday, September 25, 2008

I Want.

This is just some ramblings of mine. Sort of bored needed to just post some stuff. I think this post is me bitching at myself for being lazy. Might be an interesting insight into "me" for some of you.

I Want to:
Finish My CNC Project, Which depends on me Learning more about AVR controllers, which depends on a small research project involving an RS232 port, an AVR controller and a 20x7 LED array with some logic IC's. That all depends on me cleaning my hell hole called a house, which starts with doing my dishes, laundry and putting stuff away.

If I put stuff away, I'll have to put the AVR stuff on hold, because its all over the place. And it's interdependencies are all annoying the hell out of me. Once I clean up I can get it back out, but I keep tinkering with it every night so why put it all away? Why clean the house?

I Want to:
Setup a multimedia box. Which depends on my networking getting improved, Which depends on me fixing all of my ailing computers, Which depends on getting my storage space consolidated, which will lead to the want of a new storage Server, I discovered that I have 1.2TB of data on my systems most of my hard drives are full, what the hell is all of this crap?

I Want to:
Consolidate my photos, I have photos on my Laptop, Main PC, a Linux Dev PC, my multimedia PC and some random hard drives that are lacking a computer.

I Want to:
Build a CarPC with integrated in-dash touch screen LCD! Which should be done AFTER all of the above, but I know I can't live with out 30 miscellaneous projects.

I hate how all I can ever think about is all of these projects, its like they possess me sometimes, and then in all reality they are all interdependant. And I know what will make them all start falling in place. It really boils down to me not being so damned lazy, If I just cleaned up my house... sheesh its a bachelor pad alright.

That being said, why is it whenever I clean up, I tend to shove all of my projects half ass into a box and they get shelved? I can't stand that, so I tend to let them sprawl out everywhere. And Everything gets messy cause I don't want to disturb the ongoing process that is each project.

I think even though it would be bad to do this first, I should finish my 20x7 led project. When a project is so close to done, you tend to forget where you left off, but if I finished it, it would stop blocking me from wanting to clean up, and get stuff together. I mean responsibility dictates that I should just pack it up and clean up right? Honestly if I got to the finish point on it, and was just done, then I'd have learned something and it would stick better than being only "half-learned"

Things I'd really like to happen:
OCT 27: Will never come soon enough, that's when the mistake of overbuying the car will finally start to heal itself. I payed a crap load of money to get it, 50% down, a VERY high interest rate and skipped on a few bills. Now because of overdue bills, I'm going to be down to about 50$/week (
maybe a wee bit more) until Oct. 27. This was a STUPID idea, why did I ever do this?

I'd like to make things better between my neighbour and I, we were best friends. To be honest I loved the guy like a brother, and after I screwed up he never gave me the chance to fix things. I live in a duplex, we share a wall. It takes a large amount of mental effort to pretend he's not there. And should I? I miss him, and his wife, and they never got it. I mean that's a side effect of being a meta-cognitive sentient being. You think about things that hurt you, and then you think about the, and then they hurt you. They mentioned to an intermediary that they don't believe I feel remorse. How can you know that? You haven't talked to me since, an email yes. But last I checked its hard for people to really express emotion in an email. And not only that but i'm more than certain it's a proven fact that if you pissed when you read something you'll read it as if the person who wrote it is pissed at you as well.

I'd like to have more friends:
I already have a bunch of friends, some good some bad, but I'm not very integrated into
Columbia yet, and loosing my neighbours as friends was a shock. I probably only know 10 people up here, most of them from twitter. (you guys are awesome!!) I've had good luck with them, they seem to all be honest people, really interested in being personable, and having a good time! But its not like I can bother them all the time with my petty need for human interaction, I mean, It's my crutch to want to constantly be social. Nobody wants to hang out with a clingy girlfriend,much less a clingy "dudefriend" I mean seriously grow up. Its like I don't have a "best" friend, not anymore, at least not anyone who's close.

I think not having a "best" friend is sort of damaging to ones psyche, its like you can't vent properly. It's like being a whale without a blow hole, you just suffocate. Slowly succumbing to your own perverse rantings. (sorta like the one I'm about to go on) Its like a best friend is a buffer protecting the rest of the world from the weird things your mind comes up with. Cause you can express them to the best friend and they quickly slap you, and you both have a good laugh at how crazy it sounds. They keep you grounded. When you lack one, you tend to make it harder on yourself to actually make closer friends. I think It might be a side effect of not having one, you try to make someone fill that role, you end up sharing your crazy ideas, or psychopathy with them. It's not purposely done and since they aren't prepared for that, they tend to think of you as weird. Or it makes you look strange.

Okay, so after stating that it offers great introspection into other peoples motives, and then I realized maybe I've done that? Have I? Have I done that? Have I ever pulled into the weird zone? I don't think a person would know if they did, and I certainly hope I haven't. I suppose it's perfectly find to have someone you've met who's at least not entirely creepy to drive into the weird zone, its like they are comfortable enough with you that they want you to be a best friend. Its like they are saying, hey look at the inner me, I'm wierd and quirky and you should like that!! Hah!

This sorta make me feel bad for the way I've treated other people when, they might have done this. I might have been on the receiving end of this a few times. And totally blew a person off because of this odd behaviour. (anyone in behavioural sciences know what this might be called, sounds interesting to me)

Anyway, I like this post. I think I should publish it. But it's sort of angsty. I hate being angsty. Anyway thank you "intarweb". You are currently my best friend. I hope I haven't moved into the weird zone, I think you're awesome. I really feel better after just throwing this out there. I'm going to post it. No really I will.

No comments: